realize and revitalize

back in the day, everything i did had a driving force behind it. studying, sports, chores, and practicing. oh the the piano. see, sis and i practiced by time. that wretched timer, clicking away, slower than the 10 freeway during rush hour. thinking that if i turned it around so the time wasn't facing me, that it would go faster. and after thinking maybe 10 minutes had past the atrocious smirk it had when i turned it back around and only 2 minutes had passed. i'm sorry mother, but i did fast forward it a few clicks sometimes just so i still felt i had control over that fake cheery little "ding" thing. 

the funny thing is, once the A on the test, the trophy/ribbon, the clean room, and the perfect performance came through, all the "blood, sweat, and tears" that we are supposed to remember, telling us how we accomplished these things, are forgotten, and the process/attitude is the same the next round about.

so i sit here, scared out of my mind. wishing i had a test, game, parent, or recital to push me. granted, my self-motivation is there, wanting to do something good, wanting to create something of my own, but i thought a lot of things would be, for lack of a better word, different.

for instance, you would think by now i would be used to the cold. no, each time i step outside, i'm wearing 2 jacket layers (which i love doing) and the frigid cold still bites as we wait for the car to warm. i also gave myself the false impression that i would be working at my favorite coffee shop, each time walking in, the cute barista, automatically knowing my order and preparing it with a smile, and not being asked to leave, but rather "so what time tomorrow?" i did not expect the close people in my life, keeping me in check, making sure things are getting done, making comments such as "why isn't the website done yet" or "you didn't have to move up there for what you're doing right now" (and i know these are all keeping my best interests in mind). sometimes i do feel that more was getting done at in ca because if i left it alone, it would beg to be worked on.

on the b side, i've been living in a completely different city, soaking in the new surroundings. i have been to more coffee shop concerts in a month, than my entire time in ca. le grand cru has been shown love by more than just my immediate friends. i feel like these things have helped refresh my stagnant soul. my friends garage voice have a new album coming out, and it has been a pleasure seeing how excited they are as they work on the cover details, track listing, and the planning of the tour. le grand cru could use a little bit of that rejuvenation spirit, and i believe it will after i post this. why? well because this is all i have in able to try and put food on the table. this is all i have to try and pay rent next month. this is my ideal shot to living the dream and making you all proud.  to be able to have my life like one of those adlib games going something like: 

"hey,  (person's name) , (person's name) , and (person's name) , let's take a (type of transportation) to (country name) and eat (type of food) and go (any activity)!"

no, i'm not asking for the fame and fortune of the next movie star or musician. i just want to be able to live and be free with my time, taking care of those that i hold most dear to me. so here i sit. one deep breath at a time, and diving in. pretending that the little timer is pushing me, but this time without a smirk. 

thank you to all who believe in me, to all that want to see this through as much as i do. you have no idea how much it means to me.